So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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