Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
