Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
