is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
