I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
