i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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