My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
