Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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