I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
