I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
