I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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