Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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