I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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