Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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