Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
