Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
