The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
