Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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