my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
