I just threw up on my dentist
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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