I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
