Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
