I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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