yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
