You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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