Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
