Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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