I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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