Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
ugly people sure do ruin things
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
only you would photoshop your dick
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
