i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize