I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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