Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
