I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
