Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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