I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
