He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
