lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
