Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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