dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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