i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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