There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's rum buckets o'clock
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
