Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
