I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
