this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
