I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
