I wish my penis had an off switch
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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