When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
