True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
