he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
