my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
