you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
