Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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