3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
