I wish my penis had an off switch
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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