I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
