If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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