I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
