Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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