I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize