You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
