Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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