are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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